Am I having depression?
“Do you ever feel lonely even when you’re not alone? Have you ever felt lost or confused about your life? If you do, there’s no need to get alarmed. It’s perfectly normal to feel this way from time to time. So many people, from all walks of life, struggle with feelings of emptiness, sometimes for reasons, they can’t understand.” — Chloe
I don’t know why I feel lonely even I’m not lonely? This year my age is turning 25 years old and you know all people I called them my best friends right now I could not count how many people I have because I have nobody! I don’t know why my life is so lonely and boring is because I have so much pressure, I have to act strong in front of my family, or Am I worried too much about my family? Aside from my two siblings who study, I have an older brother who stays at home and makes my parents cry every time they mention his future because they worry too much about him.
Since I was a student in high school, my life has been wonderful! I had a lot of friends whom I could talk to about anything, sleep over at their houses, study all the time, participate in activities, and have fun all the time, so I was never bored or empty in my life like who I am today. But after high school, all that I used to believe changed, and all my friends got married and moved afterward, as my life in University I faced too many family issues who I lived with at the time, dealing with too much pressure since my age 18–22 I think that was a stressful time for me and I will try to make it easier in the year after but it is seen like harder then! honestly, in my university life, I was unaware of what I was studying, I studied it just because it was what my brothers studied, and I didn’t even think about what I am good at or what I should do? It’s so boring, right? (I know, I know, I’m boring)
It can be said that I have no friends, and I’m not quite sure why? I still don’t understand why I don’t seem kind, and I don’t have any friends as most people do. Is this one of the reasons I feel lonely now? I think this may be only a small reason. Before I graduated from university and after, I have only lived abroad, participated in exchange programs, and met many people from all over the world. It was fun and enjoyable.
In 2020, the only boyfriend I have has been with me for seven years and I assumed it would be a perfect relationship like others. I never imagined that one day it would hurt me so badly! The only reason why he broke up with me was that he cheated on me with a new one, a better one, and left with the words “I will go” all that I planned with him about my life with him was destroyed by only the word “cheating” or maybe I’m not a good person in his eyes! However, the most hurtful moment was not when he left me for another, it was when I saw the news on Facebook that he got into a car accident. We just broke up for only three months, I still can not let him go anymore even he has a new one! The news that I didn’t wish to happen, but it did, “he passed away” and how? At the time, I was not sure what to do. I remembered that I had run into him as soon as I heard he got into an accident, and saw his new girlfriend standing by his side in the hospital. His new girlfriend is the one he used to call his sister. I was shocked, sad, and confused all at once. Leaving my heart and mind empty from that day until now, I didn’t even have the chance to say goodbye to him. (Just my sad love story)
In my career or work, I have been working for a company that is on my favorite workplace lists as a business planner or an IT planner. Nonetheless, all that I and my colleagues had to deal with at work wasn’t work so pressure or anything like that, but instead, it was dealing with a boss who never listened to anyone but himself, a boss who thinks he is right all the time, I got blamed so many times, I remember crying three or four times in the restroom for the blame I got from him and another boss in my department who I call the second boss or the copy of him. In just one year, many people resigned from the company, but there were 10–20 people who left because they could not take under his pressure or he disliked them, and they were just blamed until they resigned themselves and this 2020 is was the challenge year ever! as well, I resigned as well but returned to work after 45 days, and two months later we got a replacement and moved him to the new organization (everything changed since that and getting better!)
Last month until now, I and my family got infected living in Vientiane and In addition to my parents who don’t live in the town, they also get close to the infected person, which makes me even more worried. this situation caused so many bills that have to pay, so many pressures on me, and I don’t understand why so many challenges happened to my life at the same time, however, problems will always come with the solution I expected that and I will think that this is one opportunity that makes me feel down but stronger (in a positive way).
Everything I wrote above, I just vented to bring peace to my mind because when you don’t have someone to talk to, no one who can make you feel safe to share your story with for a long time, you’ll be like me that feeling stressed and depressed. Therefore, I believe that writing a blog can help reduce stress and depression a little bit, so I think the “Reasons Why You Feel Empty”
- I don’t know who I am
A lack of insight into myself might be responsible for the feelings of emptiness I’m experiencing. When I lose touch with who I am, what I want, and who I want to be, it can cause me to feel as if I am aimlessly coasting through life with no purpose.
A blog written by Chloe, October 1, 2019, mentioned that:
“You might be losing yourself to your work or your relationships, dedicating all your time to your job, or spending it all with your friends and family to make sure they’re happy. Every once in a while though, it’s good to take some time out just for yourself. Have some quality alone time for you to reflect on your inner thoughts and feelings, and reevaluate your values and beliefs to establish a stronger sense of identity”
2. I don’t have any meaningful relationships
It is because I do not have people I see and talk to on a daily basis, and I can’t share a laugh with them or have a personal conversation.
“ It’s good to have a small circle of people in your life you can open up to, be comfortable around, and enjoy spending time with. Be it a friend, relative, or romantic partner, we all need people in our lives to make us happy. It’s not being popular or well-liked that brings people joy, but the emotional bonds of closeness they feel towards others” — Chloe
3. I haven’t made peace with your past
The emptiness I feel right now may be a sign that there are some unresolved feelings lingering from my past. A lot of the time, people feel most lost and alone after a significant loss, breakup, or failure.
I still can’t leave my past go and start a new who I am. So I think the best way for me is needing to make a peace with whatever it was in my past that’s holding my back, and refocus my attention on the here and now, being present in the moment. Forgive me and allow myself to grow and heal.
“ This is because they’ve mistakenly let themselves believes that someone or something whether it’s a romantic partner, best friend, hometown, university, or achievement of some sort defined them, and now, they don’t know who they are without it or what to do now that it’s gone” — Chloe
All that I wrote, mainly for myself and someone who might feel empty like me right now, but I will try my best to reduce stress and depression day by day and focus more on my goals by forgiving my past, staying in the present, and planning for the future. Although it’s hard, I believe that everything will work out in the end! In the event you click on my blog by mistake, I hope you will stay strong, and we will fight for ourselves together “not just be a better person but be the best version of who you are”
Thank you.
